ON MOTHERHOOD I

if you would compare me to the 'traditional' mother figure -- I'd say that I have failed. When I first got pregnant, many 'advised' me about what a wonderful time I would go through being pregnant, glowing in love, thinking about how cute the little baby would be and so on. It turned out to be a truly alien experience, and to this day I would still smile to myself thinking about my own reaction to some of the events that took place along the way.

First, I felt bloated. That's a no-no to person who was always at ease in shorts and cotton tshirt most of the time -who never had to watch for her shape or her food. The size of my stomach was growing at alarming rate - for the first baby. I binged on mcchicken everyday - some call it 'mengidam' - a craving - but mine was an addiction worse that drugs, i would think.

And..oh, oh..wait. The color of the skin began to turn dark, at mostly strategic spots. The nose grew 2 size bigger. I went through the ritual of 'mandi lulur' (traditional body scrub) religiously. To my horror, nothing worked. I just got bigger, everywhere, the curves seemed gone forever while emotionally, I was undergoing a roller coaster ride.

Then people said every woman went through the same experience during their pregnancy, so what's the big deal? BIG TIME, let me tell you that - never let others dictate what you should or shouldn't be feeling during these trying times because every experience is unique.

Giving birth was an Xtreme experience too, with my ending in the operation theater after a failed attempt at normal delivery. Oh yes, baby baz was cute, although he didn't want to come out from his hiding in my womb. He had overstayed for 2 weeks, so when he emerged, his skin showed signs of aging (hey, don't we all?). I loved his smell and the way he seemed to be attached to me, and that made all the pain went away.

Hazman, my second son was slightly different. He was smaller, easier to carry with the help of my first experience, and was born through normal channel with the help of forceps. But he developed hernia, and couldn't sleep for many days, until my parents came back from umrah to note his enlarged private part. Luckily we found an old man known for his ability to massage the hernia sufferer back to health in Segambut (he's passed away now, so can't help you there). I was chastened for drinking ice and cold water while breast feeding him and from then on started him on bottle feeding. I wish I hadn't done that. To this day, I regretted not breastfeeding him for two years like what i've done for his little sisters.

Hanis, my third child, my first daughter, was huge. I was diabetic throughout the pregnancy, and was undergoing emotional trauma from the death of my father a year earlier. The pregnancy was a difficult one, and my husband wasn't around to support me. When when she came out through another surgery, she brought sunshine not only for me, but for the whole clan. She was so beautiful, and so many people just seemed attracted to her, even the Arabs when we took her to Mecca at the age of 2.

Hanna, my last, was different. While carrying her, I felt confident and brave. I never took any pain killer, relying instead on traditional method of herbal treatment. For the numerous occasions of being feverish, I soothed myself by using hibiscus leaves and flowers or the kekabu leaves, whenever possible. She too was delivered through surgery, and I can still remember clearly how the doctor had to pull her 4 times to get her out. She was facing upwards, a sign of 'degil', people said! A 1/2 hr surgery turned 2 hours, but done successfully.

Now 8 years after the last experience, I must say I have come to appreciate and to be thankful for these experiences -- in the raw and in the results that follow-- because though I may have failed to live up to the expectation of being a traditional mother,I have 4 great children who accept and love me just the way I am - and I love them!

MOTHERHOOD IS GREAT!

HAPPINESS AT 45 - TO RIN

Dear rin,

I don't know why you always remind me of red. Red is beautiful and alive. Red is strawberry, jambu, rambutan, the sky at the end of the day, and definitely the traffic light!

LET THERE BE RED ALL OVER YOUR LIFE.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.


A POEM FOR SOMEONE OVER 40!

Just something i want to share with you that I found on the net - not mine definitely! Enjoy it.

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bites.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A curser used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a back up happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens,
they'll wish they were dead.

Copyright; Author Unknown

SUFIAH OR PIAH?

As the news of nude Sufiah grace the front page of our papers - complete with quick reponse of our government bodies - I too felt compelled to respond, even if in a slightly different tone than those commonly quoted -

- What's the big deal about her being nude on the net, if we don't care about the hundreds if not thousands, young Malaysian girls baring their stuff from here?

-What about those allegations, and the many, many alleged 'expose' of local university students who sold their bodies to feed themselves? Why haven't there been any serious and full blown action taken to help them, to coax them to come back 'into the light', to offer them scholarships, to provide safe lodging for them? Why? Why, Dr Mashitah? Why, why Mr Home Affairs minister?

-Why did we waste so many hundred thousand dollars to help this brit chit, when we know so many bright malaysians need that scholarship, and in a better place to help this country? Just because the mother is malaysian?

GET REAL!

TEKA TEKI MAKCIK

Ikan apa yang bersaudara dengan pokok?

TO YASMIN, ON HER AWAKENING TO WISDOM

Sis,

You know I've been wanting to have my own blog for years (recent ones, at least) but never really got to it for many excuses/ reasons. It is you that managed to get me out of this doldrum finally, and for that I thank you.

Your tears in the last few days has made many friends, including myself, felt helpless. Under normal circumstances, an inter departmental transfer is hardly an issue, but this seems like the beginning of a larger movement, although we're not sure who are the real players until we get to see all the cards. Hmm, let's wait then.

Personally though, I admire the way you take everything in stride. You have never been someone who did her work half way, and at times when I saw you struggling with the paperwork to make sure they would be complete by the time to hand them over to the next person, I couldn't help but smile and sigh. Perhaps the top management doesn't realize how you've carried most of the department's work on your tiny shoulder single handedly before I and the others came into the picture, and before they too came in. It won't be an easy task for the next person to top your standard, I can assure you that.

After all that's happened, I feel proud how you've taken the effort to envision how this move could be the the basis for your paradigm shift. Great thinking for any career minded person!

Aah, let me share with you something that I really like from the past unknown:

"LITTLE MINDS TALK ABOUT OTHERS,

ORDINARY MINDS TALK ABOUT EVENTS,

GREAT MINDS TALK ABOUT IDEAS"

Good luck on your new assignment!

Remember we still share the same sky.

GO GIRL!