ON MOTHERHOOD I

if you would compare me to the 'traditional' mother figure -- I'd say that I have failed. When I first got pregnant, many 'advised' me about what a wonderful time I would go through being pregnant, glowing in love, thinking about how cute the little baby would be and so on. It turned out to be a truly alien experience, and to this day I would still smile to myself thinking about my own reaction to some of the events that took place along the way.

First, I felt bloated. That's a no-no to person who was always at ease in shorts and cotton tshirt most of the time -who never had to watch for her shape or her food. The size of my stomach was growing at alarming rate - for the first baby. I binged on mcchicken everyday - some call it 'mengidam' - a craving - but mine was an addiction worse that drugs, i would think.

And..oh, oh..wait. The color of the skin began to turn dark, at mostly strategic spots. The nose grew 2 size bigger. I went through the ritual of 'mandi lulur' (traditional body scrub) religiously. To my horror, nothing worked. I just got bigger, everywhere, the curves seemed gone forever while emotionally, I was undergoing a roller coaster ride.

Then people said every woman went through the same experience during their pregnancy, so what's the big deal? BIG TIME, let me tell you that - never let others dictate what you should or shouldn't be feeling during these trying times because every experience is unique.

Giving birth was an Xtreme experience too, with my ending in the operation theater after a failed attempt at normal delivery. Oh yes, baby baz was cute, although he didn't want to come out from his hiding in my womb. He had overstayed for 2 weeks, so when he emerged, his skin showed signs of aging (hey, don't we all?). I loved his smell and the way he seemed to be attached to me, and that made all the pain went away.

Hazman, my second son was slightly different. He was smaller, easier to carry with the help of my first experience, and was born through normal channel with the help of forceps. But he developed hernia, and couldn't sleep for many days, until my parents came back from umrah to note his enlarged private part. Luckily we found an old man known for his ability to massage the hernia sufferer back to health in Segambut (he's passed away now, so can't help you there). I was chastened for drinking ice and cold water while breast feeding him and from then on started him on bottle feeding. I wish I hadn't done that. To this day, I regretted not breastfeeding him for two years like what i've done for his little sisters.

Hanis, my third child, my first daughter, was huge. I was diabetic throughout the pregnancy, and was undergoing emotional trauma from the death of my father a year earlier. The pregnancy was a difficult one, and my husband wasn't around to support me. When when she came out through another surgery, she brought sunshine not only for me, but for the whole clan. She was so beautiful, and so many people just seemed attracted to her, even the Arabs when we took her to Mecca at the age of 2.

Hanna, my last, was different. While carrying her, I felt confident and brave. I never took any pain killer, relying instead on traditional method of herbal treatment. For the numerous occasions of being feverish, I soothed myself by using hibiscus leaves and flowers or the kekabu leaves, whenever possible. She too was delivered through surgery, and I can still remember clearly how the doctor had to pull her 4 times to get her out. She was facing upwards, a sign of 'degil', people said! A 1/2 hr surgery turned 2 hours, but done successfully.

Now 8 years after the last experience, I must say I have come to appreciate and to be thankful for these experiences -- in the raw and in the results that follow-- because though I may have failed to live up to the expectation of being a traditional mother,I have 4 great children who accept and love me just the way I am - and I love them!

MOTHERHOOD IS GREAT!